I'm A Patsy - Gotta Problem With That?

Friday, June 29, 2007


Back to the Compound!

Today Cindy and Teri will be coming home to the compound. Sunday Teri is taking me to the Columbia Gorge Hotel in Hood River for a couple of nights, but Cindy will be going home to her job and Charlie, her dog. It doesn’t happen very often that the two of them are here alone with me at the compound, so it’s a special, crazy time!

I’m trying to get things ready for them, but I don’t know what to do as I hate doing the housewifey things since I’m not a wife and don’t have a house – I have a condo. So shouldn’t I be exempt from all those silly duties? And speaking of my condo – we’ve had painters here for it seems like forever, staining and painting all the units. A couple of days ago they finally painted my front deck while I happened to be at a neighbor’s for a few minutes. When I returned, there was all that wet paint and I couldn’t get in. As I have a very short attention span and don’t like waiting around, I finally walked very carefully in my good flip flops to the door, slipping and almost falling on my back! I made it in, but the flip flops were ruined. So Thursday morning I went to the flip flop store and bought another pair. After trying them out at home, I decided they were too big, so it was back to the flip flop store where I found a much better pair. From there I went to my hair guy, Steve, as I had called him early in the morning and said it was an emergency – I needed my hair cut a little. He was very nice and took me in – of course I took him cookies which he always expects. When I finally got home from all that activity, there was no more time to clean up for the girls. Too bad. The above picture is of Teri and Cindy in the bathtub – several years ago obviously -- which reminds me I should probably clean the bathroom and maybe the tub as well. I take showers so why should I clean the tub? We’ll see.

The other morning as I was eating breakfast, the “Today” show had one of their scary segments about how horrible things happen to nice people . . . or even bad people. I think they do those when they haven’t been able to come up with another celebrity interview that takes several days and a few “Datelines” to cover. This one was about mattresses catching on fire! “Oh my god!” I thought, wondering if that could possibly happen when Teri and Cindy are in the bed. So I put down my spoon and listened carefully. About 360 people die every year in a mattress fire! There is something that can be sprayed on the mattresses, but it doesn’t completely stop the fire from happening. The two main reasons for fires are cigarette smoking in bed (dumb idea) and candles. I don’t use candles and there will be no sex in the bed at that time, so there would be no reason for smoking. They went on to say . . . or maybe I just thought it . . . that if you smoke after sex, get out of bed first. This wasn’t “breaking news” – we already knew why mattresses catch on fire. And here I thought it was going to be something exciting like spontaneous combustion or misplaced land mines that started the fires. That darned “Today” show sucks me in every time.

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Rescue Me – third episode

Tommy takes the crew and fire truck to where Colleen is living with her boyfriend. Tommy charges in and demands to see Colleen. Colleen comes out of bedroom wearing bikini bottoms and a t-shirt. All the guys stare and Tommy looks at Sean and tells him not to put her in his “spank bank.” They all cover their eyes. She refuses to leave and Tommy hits the boyfriend in the nose right on his nose ring. When Tommy goes home and tells Janet, she starts berating him and saying what a prick and bad guy he is She tells Tommy he must apologize to boyfriend if they ever want Colleen back. She’s holding the baby, walking back and forth, criticizing Tommy and the baby stops crying. They decide it helps when she says bad things about him - - maybe that puts the baby to sleep. So that may be the program for a while. Janet leaves the room with baby saying, “Your daddy is a selfish, selfish prick,” and I think the baby giggles.

Sean finds Tommy reading a magazine about ED. He’s been freaked out ever since Sheila said he couldn’t get it up. He tells Sean he’s reading about John McCain. Then Sean asks what’s on TV, and Tommy said an advertisement for face cream. Tommy, of course, says it’s a gay cream. Sean remarks, “If you want cream on your face, blow your boyfriend.” They both laugh, but Tommy is intrigued and gets some from Mikey who has some in his locker. Mikey asks Tommy to go out to dinner with him as he needs to talk about his mother. They do and Mikey tells Tommy his mother wants him to kill her as she’s nearly dead already from cancer. Tommy says he has to obey her wishes. Mikey mentions using a pillow, but Tommy says no -- what with the struggling, arms flailing, muffled screaming – way too much work. He said morphine would be the best. So Mikey ends up in the hospital where he swipes some packets of something from a nurse’s cart. In one of the final scenes, Mikey’s mom dies while he’s asleep in the chair beside her bed. She died without his help. He tells her, “Sorry I let you down – sorry I didn’t kill you.”

Chief Jerry goes to son’s gay marriage ceremony as best man and says how happy he is for them. A complete turn-around from earlier times. Chief Reilly had earlier deleted arson info from Tommy’s file, thus letting Tommy off the hook. He told Tommy that’s what friends do for each other. I’m beginning to realize something bad is going to happen.

In final scene, Janet’s sitting down and baby cries. She picks up baby and starts crying herself. Lou, Sean, Franco and Tommy meet Colleen and boyfriend. The purpose is to let the boyfriend beat on Tommy and make Colleen feel bad enough to come home with him This scene switches back and forth between Tommy getting beaten up and the chief at home getting dinner. After dinner he plays with his new putting game and then it’s back to the fighting. Next scene it’s the chief brushing his teeth, filing nails and looking at himself in mirror. He’s looking good. Then back to the fighting that’s now all over and guys thinking it went well even though it didn’t work out as they’d planned. Colleen still won’t come home. Then it’s back to Chief Jerry, still looking at himself in the mirror and combing his hair. Then slowly from the bottom of the picture, a gun rises and Jerry puts it in his mouth. Everything fades to black and you hear a gunshot.

It was a very effective ending, one that you could see coming way in advance. But it was still a shock, and I hate to have his character gone forever.

Monday, June 25, 2007

My life has been quite eventful lately. About a week ago I bought some white strips for my teeth to give me a nice, shiny look when Teri and I go to the Columbia Gorge Hotel. I did the double dose, two times a day for a while until I realized my upper lip was becoming very sore. Turns out I had bleached it, as well as my teeth. It was burning, white and swollen! The swelling is going down now and a little color is finally returning to my lip.

Last week the remote to my VCR stopped working. So I went to the store where I bought my TV and VCR and bought a Universal remote that apparently fits anything anywhere in the entire world. The salesman said if I wanted one like I had -- one made especially for my outfit -- I’d have to call a certain number in Toronto. Now why would I need to do that if my new one fit absolutely everything? So I got home and couldn’t get it out of the hard plastic that enclosed it. Why do they do that? It’s infuriating! My friends, Doyle and Diane, came over and Diane finally managed to cut the plastic so I could get it out. The next day I tried to put the batteries in, but I couldn’t open the cover. I apparently was doing something wrong. So I headed off to the bank where I go when I have problems. I took the remote with me and shoved it under the bullet-proof glass window they have between you and the teller. Where has the friendly, homey, personal atmosphere gone that banks used to have? Bullet-proof glass? What next? The first time I went to the bank after they had installed the bullet-proof glass, I leaned in to talk to the teller and nearly knocked myself out as my forehead banged against the glass! On this day, the teller looked somewhat surprised as I don’t imagine he gets many objects shoved under the glass that don’t have something to do with a deposit or withdrawal. I wonder if he thought it was some sort of timer for a bomb. But I quickly explained everything and asked him if he could open it up. He did in a second. So I came home, put the batteries in, sat down with the instruction book and tried to learn how to use the Universal remote. There were all sorts of numbers to be entered in many places – sometimes you had to try many before you might find the right ones. This went on and on until I wanted to flush it down the toilet! I had more important things to do . . . possibly watch “The Young and the Restless?” I can’t remember now, but I gave up and called Toronto, and they’re sending me one like I had before . . . at least it better be or I’m out of luck.

Now I just got back from the wine store in my neighborhood. I wore my black t-shirt that says “Got Wine?” on the front in big, white letters -- very appropriate for wine shopping. They know me there as I’ve taken them many bottles of wine from home that I couldn’t open myself, and they’ve always done it for me. They’ve usually had a hard time opening them as did I – something to do with the plastic corks some wine bottles have. They’ve been very nice to me and I’ve always bought a bottle after they opened mine. Today I told them I was getting along fine now opening mine as I had a new opener, but I needed a couple of bottles a little nicer than the $2.00 brand I usually drink. I said my daughters were coming, and Teri likes good wine. Cindy drinks beer -- any kind -- so I wasn’t worried about her. They picked out two bottles for me that they said were good, and I trust them. How could I not trust them after all the times they’ve opened my bottles for me?

Friday, June 22, 2007

Rescue Me

In the second episode,Tommy still can’t remember what happened in the fire – it’s no wonder as Sheila had drugged him. But he confronts her and makes her tell the truth, which is, of course, a lie. She says he was drunk – he actually had had nothing to drink – and started to make love to her but couldn’t get it up, even though she did that “special” thing she does. That set him off and he threw things around the house, starting the fire. They both want the two million dollars insurance money so must tell the same story to the investigators.

Mike visits his mom in the hospital who is dying of cancer. Doctor tells Mike her chances are slim to none. Mike, who is not too swift, asks if she’s going to get better and the doctor repeats the diagnosis. Mike says his mom’s a fighter like the Babe Ruth of cancer. The doctor says Babe Ruth died of cancer which was not the news Mike wanted to hear. His mom later asks Mike to kill her and he says he will. We’ll have to wait and see how that comes out.

Ritchie, Franco’s girlfriend’s autistic brother who also has Tourette’s Syndrome, calls Franco from a jewelry store where he put a ring in his mouth to steal for his Downe’s Syndrome girlfriend. He’s been arrested so Franco rushes over and makes Ritchie apologize to the big, black employee. Ritchie keeps saying “Nigger” in his really deep, deep voice and Franco rushes him out of there. He tells Ritchie he could get a beveled, glass doorknob that would keep her happy for a month. Ritchie asks if he knows where to get one of those.

Maggie throws out her porno DVDs and tells Sean she’s going to start using her “spank bank” instead. Sean’s surprised as he apparently didn’t know women did that. I guess he’s not too swift either which makes two on the crew. But they manage to put out fires, and that’s really all that matters. Sean asks Maggie if he’s in her “spank bank” and she says she’s entering him that afternoon. And then says, “Don’t you have somewhere to go?”

Janet calls Tommy to say that Colleen has left home. He asks why and Janet says probably because he’s facing jail, his affair with Colleen’s aunt, his drinking. Tommy comes back with, “How about your having an affair with my brother and then having an affair with me while you’re having an affair with my brother?” Janet says she knows Colleen has left for good as her bra and pantry drawers are empty.

In the last scene all the guys are having dinner in the station house. I think this is the best scene in the episode. Lou is one of the funniest guys in the cast and talks so fast all the time, but it’s hard to write down what he says as it’s too much, too fast. Anyway, Sean comes in and asks the guys if they ever use the old “spank bank.” They do, of course, and tell who they have in them. Tommy has Ellen DeGeneres and when they all give him funny looks, he says, “You guys ever seen her dance?” Franco has a bunch in his “spank bank” and even a few he’s met at banks that he calls his “bank spank bank.” Sean gives the names of his and the last one is Janet . . . he can’t come up with a last name. Franco says, “Oh shit!” and Lou grabs all the knives off the table as Tommy’s showing signs of possible violence. Sean explains it started at a picnic when Janet had a white shirt on that was wet from water balloons. So Tommy says, “You’re jerking off to my wife?” Sean says no, that Janet was trying to seduce him by “unblousing” herself but nothing happened. Tommy runs after Sean as he leaves the room and the bells ring for a fire. After the fire, Tommy takes the crew and the truck on a hunt for his daughter after receiving a tip as to her whereabouts. That will no doubt be one more black mark on Tommy’s record.

I think the last scene with all the guys was the best. They are such a good bunch of actors and play off each other so well. I love them in the house, around the table, making conversation. Those are the parts I like the most. They always make me laugh out loud which I consider a very good thing.

Thursday, June 21, 2007


About Poop

Teri and Cindy will be here in a couple of weeks, and I’ve been trying to clean up my bedroom for them. I don’t sleep there which is fortunate for them as now they’ll have a bed. I always sleep on the couch in the living room. I’ve done that for years for many reasons, but that’s another story. I happened to see a book on my bookshelf which I hadn’t noticed for quite some time. It’s “Everyone Poops” by Taro Gomi. It’s a wonderful book with illustrations showing animals and one little boy actually pooping. The first two pages show a huge elephant with a big poop and the caption “An elephant makes a big poop,” and a little mouse with a tiny poop and the caption “A mouse makes a tiny poop.” The book goes on like that and I love it! It reminded me of when Teri and Cindy were little and we had dogs while they were growing up.

We usually had two dogs at a time. We had a big fenced-in back yard where they could play and poop. They were mostly house dogs so were in the house most of the time, but they did go out to poop. In the picture are Sammy, Brownie and Cindy. Sammy was a big dog and made big poops, but Brownie was no slouch in that department either. Cindy usually made big poops in the house. I was busy all the time cooking, cleaning, washing clothes and doing whatever else housewives were expected to do in those days, but I spent most of my time sewing outfits for the girls to wear to school and to play. While I did the sewing, I watched soap operas. I became so addicted to television that I made their clothes up until Teri was a senior in high school and had a bad experience. She was wearing a little Catholic school girl outfit and I think someone propositioned her as she waited for the school bus. We weren’t Catholic, but I had found a cute pattern for a plaid, pleated skirt that I liked, not realizing it looked like the Catholic school uniform. So you can see I had no time to clean up the yard what with the sewing and soap operas. I tried to get my husband to clean up the poop from the grass, but he said it made him gag. But then I thought of the girls . . . why couldn’t they pick them up, put them in a sack (they were all calcified) and make some money. I told them I would pay a penny a poop. Thinking back on it, it might have worked out better if I’d offered more than a penny. Well, they started out with the big grocery sacks and a shovel, but I discovered they were breaking up the poops into pieces so that one poop would be maybe 4 pieces or 4 cents. Now I couldn’t have that, so they quit. They went on to work at Pizza Hut, KFC and places like that where they were paid just slightly more than I paid. I don’t remember who ended up on “poop duty,” but since no one else would do it, I suppose I did.

I just remembered another interesting incident concerning poop . . . there can never be enough of those. One day recently when Cindy was walking her dog, Charlie, she saw an elderly man and woman get out of a car and start walking down the sidewalk in front of her. The woman was in front, and the man right behind her carrying a plastic bag. Cindy waited for something to happen and end up in his plastic bag, but nothing did. That was a big disappointment for her! Cindy always carries a plastic bag which is good, but I think she steers Charlie to the bushes so never picks up anything. But she at least carries the bag.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

“Rescue Me” season opener

It finally happened and I was thrilled! It opened with Tommy being interrogated about the fire incident. Apparently this is a dream, and he’s describing what happened up to the time he can’t remember anything. He and Sheila are watching “Meerkat Manor” about a family of meerkats, and one of them, Shakespeare, is bitten by a scorpion and may not make it back to the family compound that night alive. Tommy is really concerned about Shakespeare which I loved because I watched that very same episode on “Animal Planet.” Another good reason to like Denis Leary! He blacks out then and is awakened in real time by his baby son crying. He’s back home with his ex-wife, Janet, and baby – the father could be Tommy or his brother Johnny who was living with Janet before he was killed. Very complicated. Janet doesn’t think the baby likes her, so Tommy takes most of the care of him. Tommy’s teen daughter comes home at 3am, vomits on the floor and tells Tommy she just had many drinks, smoked a joint and had sex in the car with her boyfriend. Tommy wakes up Janet and tells her what the daughter, Colleen, has been up to and about the pot and sex, and Janet says she knows everything. She says about the pot: “At least it’s good pot, not the cheap shit we used to get.”

This episode touches briefly on each of the firefighters, providing a little insight into what might be in store for them during the season.

Chief Reilly wants to come back to work following his heart attack. Last season, Tommy gave the chief some Viagra when he was going to have sex with an illegal from Jamaica. But he has a heart attack right in the middle of everything and screams at her to call 911, but she yells back that she can’t as she’s an illegal. So she runs out and the chief is left on the floor until the next day when the firefighters break in and find him.

Lou is seeing a nun who plans to soon be an ex-nun, and she’s becoming very aggressive. They have sex in the balcony during church services and hit the organ which makes a loud organ noise. Lou pops his head up and tells the priest that he’s just up there checking the organ to see if it works . . . and it does.

Franco is being pressured into marrying his girlfriend by her brother who is autistic and has Tourette’s Syndrome. He wants the apartment to himself so he can bring his girlfriend over – she has Downe’s Syndrome and is in a wheelchair. The brother is horny and wants sex. He tells Franco his girlfriend has a nice ass, and Franco asks how he can tell if she’s in a wheelchair? The brother says they stand her up every once in a while.

Mike is still sexually confused and doesn’t know which way to go.

Sean is married to Maggie (Tatum O’Neal) who is Tommy’s crazy, wild sister. She watches porn all the time and tells him it will bring life back into their marriage. They’ve been married 9 months. She makes Sean watch it with her, but he wants to get rid of it but is scared of Maggie. Who wouldn’t be?

And there’s the new guy with the white hair who is filling in for Chief Jerry. He’s having a hard time making “guy talk” with the crew. As he starts telling them the “fun” facts of propane, the guys drift off, rolling their eyes. So he asks a couple of them what they like to talk about and they tell him “pussy” is good.

I think this season the women are becoming more empowered and the men are searching within themselves for their feminine sides. In this opening episode, it seems as if the women are calling most of the shots. Nona (Jennifer Esposito) who plays the volunteer firefighter who carried Tommy out of the burning building is determined to have a relationship with him. She shows a new way to ask for a date and it is way past aggressive!

This is looking like an interesting year for the show. It is so well written by Denis Leary and Peter Tolan - one minute you’re laughing and the next you’re experiencing a heartbreaking incident. It is a great mix of comedy and drama and, as far as I’m concerned, about the best well-written show I’ve seen.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

During the last few years, I’ve become quite a fan of the FX television channel. I started with “The Shield” that I watched for several years but quit when David Aceveda, played by Benito Martinez, became such a dick. I know he was sexually assaulted by thugs, but he didn’t need to come down so hard on Vic Mackey (Michael Chiklas) who was the leader of the Strike squad trying to clean up Los Angeles crime. However, last Tuesday I decided to watch the season finale. It was great! Mackey blackmailed Aceveda, and they became friends which is quite common after a blackmail incident. So I presume the two of them will be working together next year to make Los Angeles free of crime. If anyone can do it, Vic Mackey can. And I’ll be watching.

I then moved on to “Nip/Tuck” which was a crazy show! It was about two plastic surgeons with a very lucrative business. They did all kinds of wild surgeries and spent much time having sex with patients and anyone else willing. People were killed, maimed and tortured but the business thrived. Now I believe they’re moving to Hollywood and will be called “McNamara/Troy Hollywood.” They were in Florida so I think Los Angeles will be a very fertile field for them.

I also watched “Dirt,” another quirky show. Lucy Spiller (Courtney Cox) is the editor of “Dirt” magazine and her best buddy is Don Konkey (Ian Hart) who is schizophrenic and her photographer for the magazine. He gets really weird when he’s off his meds but takes fabulous pictures of cheating wives/husbands as they’re cheating. He can photograph anything and make it look good. He and Lucy have a close relationship, and he’s probably her only friend as long as he keeps grinding out the good shots. I think he takes better pictures when he’s having a schizophrenic period – that’s just my thought.

I just finished with “The Riches.” That’s a show about a group of Irish Travelers who steal someone’s identity to make a new life for themselves. Travelers are grifters who make a living by conning others. Minnie Driver and Eddie Izzard play parents of three children who are trying to blend into the world of buffers. Buffers are people who aren’t Travelers. I’m a buffer, and I hope you are too. The acting is good but it’s too hard to describe, so I won’t. I liked it.

Glenn Close will be starring in a new show – “Damages.” She plays a ruthless litigator in a law firm with Ted Danson, a corporate CEO, as her enemy. This one has to be good.

My favorite show, “Rescue Me,” starts again tonight and I can hardly wait! I loved that show and recorded it every time, watching it over and over again. I’m hoping Tommy (Denis Leary) can work it so he isn’t charged with starting the fire at his girlfriend’s house. He can’t remember as she had drugged him and put him to sleep when she became enraged because he wouldn’t give up being a firefighter and move in with her. She gets really pissed that he’s sleeping and starts throwing stuff around the house, starting a fire. She can’t put it out so she runs outside and he’s left inside. He’s saved by Jennifer Esposito, a volunteer firefighter, who wants to start a relationship with him . . . as if he didn’t already have enough on his mind! What I like about this show is the writing that gives each character a unique personality bringing humor, craziness and drama to each episode. I think the show is terrific as is Denis Leary.

I just want to mention the fact that I hear Fred Thompson is leaving “Law&Order to run in the presidential race. Big mistake, Fred! You are so conservative, you’re totally off the grid, and I’d hate to see you as our next president. I’ve always thought you were sort of sexy and powerful as the District Attorney in the show . . . maybe sexy because you were powerful . . . maybe powerful because you were sexy . . . whatever. I think you better try and get your old job back because “L&O” needs you more than the country does. “L&O” isn’t on FX – maybe republicans aren’t allowed to watch FX.

Sunday, June 10, 2007


Teri called me the other day and said she had reserved two nights for us at the Columbia Gorge Hotel in Hood River. Her son, Harry, will be at snowboarding camp at Mt. Hood, and Teri and I will pick him up on our way home. Well, I am so excited about staying at that hotel! It is so beautiful and the accommodations and food are the best. Their dining room is rated as Oregon’s best restaurant. I’ve been there but never over night. I looked up all the information and was blown away at everything that’s offered. First of all, there’s their five- course “World Famous Farm Breakfast.” Now I was raised on a farm in Hood River and had breakfast every morning, but I don’t think we had five courses. Rates also include complimentary coffee service, morning paper, champagne and caviar social and nightly turn down service featuring chocolates and a rose on your pillow! I’ve never had turn down service and never ever found chocolates or a rose on my pillow. But since I live alone, that could be the reason. I’m wondering about the champagne and caviar social . . . I’ve never tasted caviar because what it is repulses me. But can I still be social at the social? I think I can.

I do know I’m going to have to practice my table manners. I don’t suppose I can eat with a spoon -- everything with a spoon -- or lick my plate when I’m done. I can do that at home because no one sees me except maybe the people right across the street . . . I never really thought about that. I should probably close my blinds before licking my plate. And what should I wear for the evening dinner which will be fabulous, I’m sure. I tried on a few outfits tonight but I looked like someone else – I don’t know who, but it wasn’t good. Maybe I should cut my hair. If I keep this up, I’ll be a nervous wreck before we even arrive there. I’m sure Teri will help me and keep me out of trouble. She’s up on all the social amenities of gracious living – God knows she didn’t learn them from me!

Phelps Creek runs through the grounds of the hotel and then drops 208 feet to the Columbia River. That’s one place I won’t be spending much time! No high places for me. When I was young, I fished with my brother in Phelps Creek near where we lived out in the country. We had to go by my grandfather’s house, Aunt Selma’s house, Bill Shleif’s house and then down in a canyon where the creek was. I hope I caught something besides poison oak, which I did many times, after all that trekking through the orchards and woods. I don’t plan to fish at the hotel.

Teri and I will have a wonderful time, living like princesses for a couple of nights. And then it’s back to my old routine . . . eating with a spoon, licking my plate and tending my tomato plants that have grown up to my ceiling right beside me in my computer room. They are a sort of experiment that has fast become out of control! I can’t believe how exciting my life has become! Fortunately, Teri will be going home to a little more activity than I have here. This picture is of Teri in a blossoming fruit tree taken when we were visiting my folks in Hood River when she was a little girl. Maybe we’ll find another tree Teri can climb for another picture.

Thursday, June 07, 2007

So here I am on a Sunday morning having breakfast and reading the “Parade” magazine -- something I do every Sunday morning -- when I come to the article entitled “How to Stay Healthy on a Plane.” I immediately jump up and shout, “It’s not possible!” But I figure I have nothing better to do at the moment except floss my teeth, so I start reading.

The first problem is dry cabin air which can dry out mucous membranes in the upper airway where bacteria can get at you. So you should have at least 8 ounces of bottled water or fruit juice for each hour of traveling. That means you would be spending a lot of time in the tiny, little bathroom that EVERYONE uses! In there would be germs from all sorts of people . . . people you might never want in your own home, let alone your bathroom! And nix on alcohol or caffeinated drinks which are dehydrating. Where did the good times go when you had no worries about getting on a plane and you could smoke and drink as much as you wanted?

The next problem is blood clots (DVT). This can develop in the deep veins of your legs, when you will be spending a long time on one flight. The article lists people at risk such as some cancer patients, severely obese people, smokers, pregnant women, women on birth control pills, people with vascular or circulatory problems and on and on. I think there were a few others, and I believe they covered nearly every person in the world! To avoid getting DVT, you can stretch or walk around every hour. Good luck with that what with dodging the drink carts and the seat belts on most of the time. Don’t cross your legs and don’t sleep for a long period of time. You should get your legs above your heart which is easiest if you’re in a first-class sleeper. Isn’t everything easier in first class? But it’s also possible in a bulkhead economy-class seat. If you’re fortunate to get one of those seats – I don’t believe there are very many available – you can put your feet up on the wall in front of you. All this information is very good, but I can barely afford a coach seat and then I take what they give me. Do the airlines even care that all their passengers are getting DVT on their planes? Why can’t they make seats where your legs can be pointing at the ceiling? Is that too much to ask? And God forbid that you should get any of the myriad of symptoms for DVT such as redness in the leg, swelling, pain and many others. And NEVER massage your leg which would be dangerous. If this happens, you should notify the flight attendant who hopefully has had about 7 years of medical training in that field. Fat chance of that happening!

The next problem has to do with germs which run rampant in planes. The advice is to wash your hands continuously throughout the flight. That means you would be the only occupant in the bathroom for the entire flight! If that can’t be done, get an antibacterial gel cleaner and use that on your hands every time you touch your body, anyone else’s body or any inanimate object. In other words, don’t touch anything – ABSOLUTELY NOTHING – without first using the gel! All this seems to boil down to a plane full of passengers with their feet all pointing at the ceiling and rubbing themselves with antibacterial gel throughout the entire trip.

My advice for safe travel is: DON’T FLY!

Friday, June 01, 2007

The other evening, I was watching an episode of “30 Rock” which is one of my favorites. It was the one where Jack (Alec Baldwin) sets Liz (Tina Fey) up with a blind date. Jack is really quite dumb but always hilarious, and he mistakenly thinks Liz is gay, or maybe he hopes she is, so the date he picks turns out to be a lesbian who is played by Stephanie March who used to be an A.D.A on Law Order: SVU until she went into the witness protection program. Actually, she was killed and then went into the program after she came back to life, but that has nothing to do with “30 Rock.” Anyway, Liz and her date meet in a bar and they both realize it’s a big misunderstanding, but they talk and find out they get along quite well. As the show progresses, they meet and talk and the things they talk about are what I think about. For instance: When you live alone, what if you die and no one knows until someone’s dog starts sniffing around? And what if something gets stuck in your throat and you can’t breathe or call 911 obviously . . . what then? It happened to me and I gave myself the Heimlich maneuver when I leaned over the sink, but that was just dumb luck. And what if by some fluke a couple Scientologists manage to get in and begin talking to you about the perils of seeing a psychiatrist since, as we were all told by Tom Cruise, they know the history of psychiatry and apparently think it’s all bullshit. How would you get rid of Scientologists? Does anyone know? Is there actually a way to do it? I just hope I never have to find out.

This morning I was going to the pharmacy and decided to check the expiration date on my aspirin that I keep in case of a heart attack. It said 2004! So I asked the pharmacist if it was any good anymore, and she slapped her forehead, grabbed my arm and said to get rid of it immediately! So I bought a new bottle that I will probably never use because I don’t plan to have a heart attack. I use the coated kind that would take forever to kick in – you could be dead and buried by then. But it’s here, just in case. So I got home and decided to open it. It wasn’t the “push down and turn to open” kind of cover. It was the one where you push up on a little thing on the cover. I couldn’t get it to budge and had to look around for a bottle opener to pry it off. Good thing I wasn’t having a heart attack then! I know they like to make pills so that kids can’t open them, but can anyone open them? In an instance such as this where I’m having a problem, I turn to “Seinfeld” and ask myself, “What would Jerry and Elaine do?” I never ask, “What would George and Kramer do?” as I don’t think I want to know what they’d do. I think some people ask “What would Jesus do?” but I always have good luck with Jerry and Elaine. I finally decided to dump out the old pills and put the new pills in the old bottle – the one I could open. Then I took the label off the new bottle and fastened it to the old bottle with the new expiration date. I think Jerry and Elaine would be proud.