I'm A Patsy - Gotta Problem With That?

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Ghetto Gourmet

Yes, there is something called Ghetto Gourmet. I read about it in a recent “Time” magazine, so it has to be true. Joel Stein wrote the article, and I love his writing. His articles are usually humorous and actually make me laugh out loud at times, so I believe anything he says. Evidently people are becoming disenchanted with the old stand-by restaurants that can be extremely stuffy and downright boring. Jeremy Townsend was the original Ghetto Gourmet and he and his brother started one in their house. It lasted a couple of years, but after a visit from a health inspector, he took his idea on the road and tried out different chefs in different cities. Joel visited one in Los Angeles in the courtyard of a Koreatown apartment building. He had to bring his own wine and a pillow to sit on. And there was a guy playing jazz on the accordion during the meal. Joel didn’t sound like he was going to pursue that type of establishment again.

Jeremy Townsend says the old-fashion restaurants are not adventurous enough. He asks, “What if you could actually cuss and high-five people and lick the plate?” Now that struck a chord with me. I do that at my table . . . not the high-five because I live alone, but the other two. Why can’t we do that in any restaurant? It got me thinking . . . Portland, OR, was mentioned in this article about being interested in underground restaurants such as Ghetto Gourmet. Why couldn’t I open my own right here? I’d have to have a good menu, but I know what my first offering would be – fried spam, fried potatoes and deep fried mozzarella cheese. That might just be all that I’d ever serve. I would have a few chairs so people wouldn’t have to bring their pillows, but they would have to bring their own wine. People could call me for reservations and give me their credit card numbers and social security numbers. One can’t be too careful. I’d have music during dinner, but not accordion music. Accordion music is too trailer trash. I’d play Andy Williams Christmas songs every night, not just at Christmas. And when we were done eating, we’d all lick our plates. People could cuss if they wanted but I don’t think I’d allow any high-fiving . . . that’s just too common.

Sunday, November 19, 2006

MONARCH COVE ----------my last review, I think

I just finished watching “Taxi Driver” which is always a good way to start the day. Now I’ll be saying, “You talkin’ to me?” every time I look in a mirror for the rest of the day. I imagine this movie has that effect on everyone.

I wasn’t going to watch “Monarch Cove” anymore as it’s hard to keep up with everything that goes on. I may watch, but I doubt that I’ll write a review as the whole thing is just too confusing. Gran says she was stoned when she told Bianca that Kathy was adopted but that it’s true. Gran apparently is going to Canada for cancer treatments. I thought they were sending her the medicine. There are so many unanswered questions in this show that really need to be clarified. Parker has DNA test which proves he’s Alexander’s son. Alexander dumped his mother years ago, so Parker’s determined to get even with him by taking over the business or ruining it – probably both.

Kathy works with Alexander to get information out of Parker. I can’t figure out the relationship between Kathy and Alexander – it seems like she’s ready to jump him at any minute, but something always stops it. What is this thing between them? She goes to Parker on the boat and they have sex, of course. Eddie is taking pictures of everything to show Alexander that Parker is bad, but Alexander doesn’t want to hear about it. He knows Parker is bad but doesn’t know what to do about it since he’s his son. Jake’s furious at the thought of Parker being in the family, and knocks him around. Kathy has sex with Parker again and comes out of his room imagining herself as Mrs. Preston. But Parker’s last name is now Elian, so what is Kathy thinking? And which Preston?

Parker’s pissed at Eddie and says he’ll fire him when he takes control, and Eddie jumps on his motorcycle and races away. Bianca jumps in her little yellow sports car and races after him. He crashes and she plays nurse – but no sex. Jake comes home early from his honeymoon and finds Eddie and Bianca in bed together. Bianca has a silly grin on her face and Jake storms off. This time they did have sex.

Ben and Sophia get together but Ben doesn’t want to be a boyfriend. He walks around all the time looking sullen and is very boring. Sophia takes Charlotte, who is supposedly the daughter of a big wheel staying at the Cove who can get Alexander a liquor license for new casinos he wants to open, to a party and Charlotte pretends to OD. Then Parker arranges with the guy to blackmail Alexander for a bunch of money to give him the license. So Alexander pays him the money but it turns out that the daughter, Charlotte, is not a daughter but an accomplice of the blackmailer. But is she the daughter? We find them in the bar playing kissy-face and he tells her she turns him on playing the schoolgirl, and she answers and says “Daddy.” So is he her real daddy or just a sugar daddy? This whole thing is just too confusing. The blackmailer pays Parker his share of the money. Whatever Charlotte is, she’s a very naughty girl.

Eddie helps Bianca find out who Kathy’s parents are. It turns out a woman named Vanessa Reed killed 3 of her kids but left a baby. The baby is rescued by Bianca’s dad who takes her home and apparently keeps her as his own. That can account for the differences in the sisters. Kathy is wild and crazy and always going after money and men. She’s continually conniving with someone to find out something or to get a step up on the food chain for herself. She’s a real go-getter and fun to watch. Bianca, on the other hand, is always sweet and trying to make peace with everyone. In other words, she’s quite dull.
In one of the last scenes, Ben tells Sophia he likes her after all! What is it with these people anyway? And Jake, Eddie and Bianca meet on the beach and apologize to each other. Jakes leaves and Eddie tells Bianca he never learned how to date! What? He knows how to get girls into bed, but I guess the question of dating has never come up. Bianca says she doesn’t know much about dating either, so they decide to start dating. Where did these people come from anyway?

I don’t think Arianna went to bed with anyone this time, but she did drink a lot. And Gran was out of her bathrobe. It looks like there’s going to be a lot happening at Monarch Cove next week. . . . too much for me to write about. So I can just watch and not have to take notes with my pen that doesn’t write upside down.

Friday, November 17, 2006

Did you ever play tag?

I used to play tag when I was young, but now it is being banned in some schools because administrators fear kids might get hurt and the parents would sue. Of course they would sue – everyone sues anyone these days at the drop of a hat! I don’t remember too much tag in grade school, but two incidents stand out in my memory of happenings during recess. One was when I was swinging along on the monkey bars and Kumeo was sitting on top of the bars. As I swung underneath him, he spit chocolate all over my face! As I stated in an earlier blog, I think he liked me. The other time was when I was playing in an area that had big trees on the playground. I noticed some writing on one of the tree trunks that said, “Fuck the Finns.” Now I am half Finnish and for some reason or other, that didn’t sound at all good to me. I had no idea what “fuck” meant, so I told my dad when I got home and he immediately raced to the school to do I don’t what – maybe cut the tree down! I was mortified that he would go to the school – all I wanted was to know what “fuck” meant, but he never told me. No one did. I eventually found out and put it in my vocabulary to be used for special occasions.

I thought I should check in with Tiffany and Amber to get their thoughts on tag:

Tiffany: Amber, did you ever play tag in grade school?
Amber: Yes, and I loved it when we played with Mr. Wellington.
Tiffany: Who was Mr. Wellington?
Amber: He was my teacher, and he always caught me and made me take off all my clothes!
Tiffany: YOU’RE KIDDING!!
Amber: No, he said he was checking me for ticks.
Tiffany: Did he ever find any?
Amber: He didn’t say.

Well, I don’t think Amber played tag the way it was intended to be played, but at least she played. Who knows how this will turn out. I hear some schools are not allowing it at recess but are doing it in P.E. That would be very good as it could slim down some of the really fat kids. I hope Mr. Wellington took early retirement and is not teaching P.E. someplace.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Harry has a birthday!

Today is my grandson’s 11th birthday. When he was quite young, Mark and Teri came with Harry for a visit and we ended up staying at Timberline Lodge on Mt. Hood one memorable night – the home of the movie “The Shining.” Harry and I shared a room and Teri and Mark hoped to have a romantic night alone in the adjoining room.

Things went pretty well until Teri and Mark went out to dinner and I was left alone with Harry which is always a frightening thought. I told him many stories which made me very sleepy and ready for bed. So I told him he was very sleepy and ready for bed but then realized there was a big problem. Harry always went to bed with a sippy cup full of warm milk. Now we had no milk in the room and Harry and I were both in our “home clothes” which consisted of what we slept in – shorts and tee shirts. My tee shirt had “SPAM” in big letters across the front of it. I had just introduced Harry to spam that week and he loved it, much to the consternation of his parents.

The only place I could think of to get some milk was the upstairs bar on our floor. We certainly didn’t want to go downstairs in our “home clothes” to the big dining room, so I made Harry promise to stay behind me and sit in a booth while I went up to the bar. I sat down on the bar stool, wrapped my bare legs around it, put the sippy cup down and asked for some milk. The bartender was very accommodating and scurried off to get some. As he left I yelled, “It has to be warm milk” and he either waved at me or gave me the finger. I don’t suppose he was accustomed to serving grandmas in shorts and Spam tee shirts and little boys at his bar in the middle of the night.It was about that time that I noticed Harry had sneaked up to the bar and was siting beside me on a bar stool. What a pair we were . . . but a pair of what?
Pretty soon the bartender returned with the sippy cup of milk and Harry and I trudged back to our room. I don’t remember anything like that ever happening in “The Shining” but it would have added a little levity to that movie – it certainly could have used some.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY HARRY!!

Sunday, November 12, 2006

MONARCH COVE --------------- AGAIN!!!

After last week, I swore I wouldn’t put myself through watching this show again. But for some reason or other, I just had to see what crazy happenings would be going on now. This series is so “over the top,” campy and silly and has entirely too many incidents going on at one time. It’s very hard to keep on top of things. That’s why I took notes last night, but now I’m having a hard time reading my notes as I took them as I was lying on my couch and the pen gave out writing upside down. I needed the pen Jerry Seinfeld got from his dad’s neighbor in Del Boca Vista – I think it was an astronaut’s pen that could write upside down. But I will try and remember a little bit of what happened last night.

It starts with Bianca crying in the shower after Jake tells her he has to marry Elizabeth because she’s pregnant. She cries and cries and when she gets out, Gran appears and is finally out of her bathrobe. Arianna, Jake’s mother, goes to Steve’s room and they have sex. I’m not quite sure just what Steve does around the resort except have sex with Arianna and probably anyone he can. I think the daughter, Sophia, sees them. Sophia sees all the nasty things her mother does, and Arianna does plenty. Jake and Elizabeth are getting married in a week, and Elizabeth will be living at the family resort for that week. Arianna tells her she can have no sex before the wedding. That’s funny coming from Arianna who has sex every time she goes around a corner! Bianca is the concierge for the resort – Jake hired her. That brings up an interesting question – where did Bianca get her concierge training as she’s been in prison for 6 years. Do they have concierge classes in prisons these days? I thought they were cutting down on the extras in prisons. . . . no smoking, no TV, no sex(I doubt that) . . . . in other words, no more frills.

Arianna hires Kathy as her assistant after she finds out she’s a Foster. That infuriates her husband, Alexander. I’m wondering what he had going with the Fosters. Possibly something to do with the dead mother . . . an affair . . . or is the mother dead or just out of the picture? Or did he kill Mr. Foster? I just can’t seem to keep up with the story line.

Kathy tells Jake he and Bianca should have an affair while he’s married since they love each other. Kathy is getting into her “bitch” mode again. Ben says he can get medicine for Gran from Canada for $5,000, so Bianca asks Jake for a loan of $7,000, at least that’s what I thought she said. Why so much? Gran is back in a bathrobe.

Arianna and Kathy start on a shopping trip supposedly with Elizabeth, but Elizabeth doesn’t appear. They wait in the car, and when Elizabeth makes her appearance and steps behind the car, Kathy tells Arianna to go RIGHT NOW! They knock Elizabeth down who whispers, “my baby,” while Kathy stands there smiling. The bitch is back! Arianna fights with husband and goes to Steve’s room for sex. Arianna is either drinking or having sex all the time – sometimes both at the same time. Quite a woman! The baby is fine so the wedding is on.

Jake has a bachelor party and gets too drunk to drive home, so he drives to Bianca’s house where he spends the night. There’s no sex as he’s too drunk and asleep. Gran calls Canada and talks to the doctor up there who is sending her the medicine to cure her cancer so she won’t have to take the nasty chemo. Everyone’s delighted.

Elizabeth tells Bianca the baby might not be Jake’s as there was a one-time thing with someone else. She doesn’t tell Jake but Bianca tries to and fails at it. So the marriage takes place. A mystery man shows up claiming to be Alexander’s son! Alexander denies it, of course, so we’ll have to wait and find out what that means. Alexander enlists Kathy to go to the mystery man’s room when he’s gone and steal some evidence. Sophia catches Ben Foster burglarizing the resort, and she takes all the jewels from him but gives him a bunch of money. Maybe he’ll use it on Gran. . . . like that will ever happen! Then she puts the jewels outside where they are found, and she blames Steve to get back at her mother for sleeping with Steve. She had wanted Steve for herself but her mother said he was the hired help and not good enough! So later, Sophia finds Ben on the beach where everyone hangs out all the time. Does anyone ever put in a day’s work? She and Ben say a few words and then make out! Things move right along at Monarch Cove at a very fast clip.

Bianca and Gran walk on the beach and Gran tells Bianca that Kathy was adopted! Gran has been getting fuzzy from her medications or senior moments, so we don’t know just what is what when she speaks. Biana tells Gran about the mystery man and Gran is so happy now that there may be another Preston boy and Bianca can have him since she lost out on Jake.

More happened during these two hours, and I know I’ve left out things such as the story line about Detective Straker and his gun-toting wife. Straker was killed by the person they think killed Bianca’s father. But I can’t go into that now as I’m getting tired and confused. I need some of Gran’s tea …. I wonder where she is . . . . do you suppose she has some brownies? I could sure use something right about now.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Happy, the elephant, is soooo vain!

I read an article in “The Oregonian” newspaper on Halloween that made me laugh out loud which is a way I like to start the day. It was about Happy, the elephant, who lives at the Bronx Zoo. It seems that after testing, it was proven that pachyderms are self-aware and can recognize themselves in mirrors. At least Happy can. It has always been thought that we were the only ones who could distinguish ourselves from others along with chimps and possibly dolphins. But the tests proved otherwise.

Happy and two other elephants peeked behind a huge mirror, touched it with their trunks and rubbed against it. They moved around to see if their reflections did the same thing they were doing. Don’t all women do that? Maybe not the trunk part. The elephants began spending more and more time in front of the mirror. Joshua Plotnik, one of the researchers stated, “In the morning, they would run out to get some hay and bring it back to eat in front of the mirror.” Now haven’t we all done that from time to time?

The researchers pressed on further and painted an X on the elephants’ hides in places they couldn’t easily see. Happy found the X in the mirror and immediately began picking at it as if it were a big zit! I can certainly identify with that!

This must prove that not only are elephants smart but also like to spend time in front of mirrors. I can imagine Happy, while viewing herself, having the following conversation with her friend, Smiley:

Happy: Does my butt look big?
Smiley: No way!
Happy: Do you think it’s time for another dermabrasion?
Smiley: Possibly, but I’d like to have the zit removed from my cheek first.
Happy: What about a brow lift?
Smiley: And maybe some liposuction?
Happy: Totally! What do you think about trunk reconstruction?
Smiley: Uh . . . . . not so much.

This sounds a lot like a bunch of young women chatting over cocktails and finger food at the neighborhood bar. It’s comforting to know that maybe there are elephants someplace having the same conversations over some hay and pond water.

Monday, November 06, 2006

MONARCH COVE!!!

I had heard very little about this new TV show being premiered on Lifetime. I could find no reviews anyplace, but my daughter, Teri, said it was one we should watch! So we did. Teri was here for the OSU football game and returned to “The Compound” at 9pm when the program began. I was lying on the couch and she settled into a big recliner chair where she immediately fell asleep. It didn’t take very long for me to figure out why it had never been reviewed for publication. The show is TERRIBLE!

It begins with Bianca, a young blonde woman who was convicted of murdering her father six years before, returning to Monarch Cove after being cleared of the murder. She walks through the town and finally comes to her grandmother’s house on the beautiful beach at the Cove. Her brother is not glad to see her and tells her to get lost. Her sister isn’t all too happy to see her either. Gran, her grandmother obviously, is apparently dying of cancer and spends her time drinking tea laced with marijuana and probably smoking it, but I never saw that . . . just a lot of tea. And she is always in a bathrobe. Gran is played by Shirley Jones, and all I could think was, “Shirley, Shirley, Shirley. . . do you really need money that badly?”

The two sisters take a stroll on the beach to see if they can find any rich man who will pay for Gran’s medicine to cure her. The medicine is something off the radar, so there’s no name for it and it’s illegal. They meet two guys who are cute and rich-looking. One hooks up with sister Kathy, played by Samantha Shelton. He used the other guy’s name who is very rich and owns nearly all of Monarch Cove. They retire to some room in the Cove hotel there and have frantic sex. Kathy tells Bianca she’s in love. Bianca meanwhile
has hooked up with the actual rich guy, but I don’t think they have sex. She’s not as wild and crazy as Kathy. It turns out that the brother, Ben, has been selling drugs to get money for Gran and is beaten up by the dealers.

All through this I kept exclaiming, “This is so bad it’s embarrassing!” Teri would open her eyes and agree with me and then go back to sleep. The rich young man, Jake Preston, actually has a girlfriend who may be pregnant. After meeting Bianca, he decides he doesn’t want the marriage. His parents are not too happy with that. His sister doesn’t care as she’s got her eyes on the security guard or pool boy, whatever he is. But her mother, played by Rachel Ward, gets mad at the guy and chases him off. He later finds her drunk by the pool where she falls down, so he helps her to the pool house where they make wild love.

Kathy tries to blackmail Eddie, the guy from the beach and the sex, to get money for poor, old Gran but he tells her he has no money. And then we find out that Kathy, the little bitch, had told Ben and Gran that the father had molested Bianca and that’s why she shot him. She says she did it so that her family would love Bianca even though she shot her dad. The father never molested anyone, so they get that cleared up very quickly.

More went on during the course of the 2 hours, but I’m getting tired and don’t think I can continue. I think I’ll go have a cup of tea if I can find Gran. I was surprised to see Shirley Jones and Rachel Ward in something like this, but I’m all for people making a living any way they can. I recognized Samantha Shelton from other things she has done, and thought she did a good job. I hope she’s not the bitch she portrayed in this!

Saturday, November 04, 2006



I’ve loved animals ever since I was a little girl and have had many throughout the years. But there was one special one that came to me without my looking for it, and that one was Larry.

One morning, several years ago, when I went out to get my paper, I noticed a pigeon in the little area beside my front porch. He must have been a carrier/homing pigeon as he had a band on his leg. He seemed quite tame, so I immediately named him Larry and decided he was mine. I did contact the Audubon Society who said if I could read the numbers on the band, they could connect me with the owner, but I could never quite accomplish that. Larry was here every morning, and at nightfall he would fly away over my roof and disappear. I always thought he might not return, but he did every day. I bought special food for him and we developed quite a routine. About that time, 9/11 happened and I’d go out and sit on the grass by Larry and talk to him. Sometimes I cried, and it was comforting to have him there. He just stood and listened to me.

This went on for several months until one day I went out and Larry had another pigeon with him – a smaller one that was a female. As I stood there, just a few feet away from them, they began some sort of mating dance that lasted at least 30 minutes! Most women would kill for 30 minutes of foreplay. I stayed very still and took it all in as they puffed out their feathers and danced around each other. When they finally consummated their relationship, it took only about 4 seconds! When they were done, they looked at me and then flew away. At first I was unhappy, but I knew Larry needed his own family. I hoped he would come back sometime, but I haven’t seen him since. I still look for him when I go out for the morning paper. I wondered if Larry had brought his girlfriend to see me before the actual consummation. I like to think that he did.

I don’t know when I’ll have another pet, but I do love dogs. I talked to a woman the other day whose little dog – about the size of a squirrel – had just had a colonoscopy. I had just had a colonoscopy myself and tried to picture the tiny little dog drinking all that stuff that makes you sit on the toilet all day before the procedure. Do you suppose he had his own tiny toilet just for him? That’s not a pretty picture. So for now, I just enjoy the dogs as they pass my windows with their owners walking behind, plastic bags covering their hands while they pick up their dogs’ poop

Thursday, November 02, 2006

More about the mice . . .

An article in “The Oregonian” on 10/25 states facts about more experimentation being done on mice. This time it’s all about methamphetamine. The paper states: “Researchers at Oregon Health & Sciences University gave mice methamphetamine when they pressed a lever. Then they replaced the crystal the mice normally consumed with saline, turning the rodents into recovering addicts. The scientists then gave some mice a dose of 2-DG, a drug that lowers blood sugar levels, causing stress. The stressed mice tried desperately to dose themselves, hitting the dispensing lever five times more than mice who got more saline instead of 2-DG.” What they discovered from all that pain and suffering they caused the poor mice is that stress spurs people recovering from addictions to use drugs again. But doesn’t everyone with half a brain already know that? I can just see those tiny little mice, slapping that lever over and over again with their tiny little feet.

I decided to check in on Tiffany and Amber and see what they had to say about this:

Tiffany: I hear someone’s been feeding meth to mice.
Amber: No way!!
Tiffany: Yeah, they’re doing it here in town.
Amber: Do you suppose I could get some for my boyfriend?
Tiffany: You have a boyfriend?
Amber: Yeah, and he’s so cool!
Tiffany: How did you get a boyfriend?
Amber: Why shouldn’t I have a boyfriend?
.
I could see I was getting nowhere with Tiffany and Amber, so I let it go. But then I picked up today’s newspaper where there is an article about the benefits of red wine on mice. Something called resveratrol in red wine enables mice to eat high-calorie, high fat diets and live normal active lives(whatever that is for a mouse) even though they become obese. It even prolonged the lifespan of every organism that has been tested, and that includes the fruit fly. To that I say, “Thank God someone has found a way to let the fruit fly live longer!” The article makes it sound as if one could become obese and yet lead a good life as long as one drank a lot of red wine. The only downside to any of this is that it would take 100 bottles of red wine a day per person for it to have any effect and they state that that might not be safe for humans. No kidding!