News of interest in “The Oregonian” – 9/28/06

As I was reading an article about the “Mona Lisa” and how images of the picture suggest she was probably either pregnant or had just given birth when the painting was done, I saw an article right by the “Mona Lisa” concerning the first zero-gravity surgery performed in space. A team of French doctors – why am I not surprised at that – took to the skies and removed a cyst from a man’s arm as the plane soared and dived to create the necessary weightlessness. They sliced off the cyst which floated away from the patient. I trust it’s not floating someplace in space. The doctors worked for 22 seconds during the weightlessness periods. It took 22 intervals to accomplish this. This required 3 surgeons, 2 anesthetists and a cameraman who were strapped to the walls with mountain-climbing gear as the plane acted like a roller coaster. I asked myself, “Why are they doing this when it would be so much easier to do it in a hospital?” They are doing it as a first step to performing more complicated surgery on the international space station in the future. So I asked myself again, “Why is there such a thing as an international space station and why are we spending so much money on it when there are much more pressing problems here and around the world?”

So that sent me to my trusty internet that knows all and tells me everything. About the space station, it said “Space station is a collaboration of 16 nations, being built to maintain a long-term presence in space.” And I say “WHAT FOR?” Apparently NASA officials say the agency has lost enthusiasm for the project as it’s now all about manned missions to the moon and Mars. That doesn’t make sense to me either, but no one asks for my advice on matters such as those. But I did learn something very interesting about how they all go to the toilet in their little station. They have special toilets designed with a suction device. Suction device . . . hmmmm . . . couldn’t that be something we could use down here where the regular people live – on earth? Maybe something good will come out of the space station after all!

“Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fa . . . oops!”

Déjà vu! Haven’t we seen something like this before? We have! Michael Jackson performed the same ceremony a while back with his son to great acclaim. But this picture was taken years ago of my mom, dangling little Jim out the window. I was not yet born, which was a good thing, or I would have been next.

I don’t know what the outcome was of this scene, but it made a darned good picture. I do know my brother had a big scar on top of his head. When I later inquired about it, I was told it was the result of an ice skating accident which had happened a few days after this picture was taken. At the time, they say, he was attempting a triple axel and fell on his skate. I never asked him about it and I never got to see him skate . . . probably because there was no ice rink within a hundred miles of where we lived. But he must have been good as I don’t imagine there are many skaters who even attempt a triple axel at such a young age.

When Teri and Cindy were young, I made many of their clothes. I wasn’t working and didn’t want to do housework all day . . . in fact, I never wanted to do housework. So I decided to keep busy by sewing. I knew a little about it and had made a few things before for myself, so I started sewing outfits for the girls. That way I didn’t have to vacuum, dust, clean toilets, make beds and all those nasty things. I could just sit and sew all day. And the best part was I could watch TV while I was doing it! I think I was born addicted to TV. I’m not really proud of that, but it’s just way it is.

I would set up the sewing machine, turn on the TV and start the day. I made the girls shorts and tops, nightgowns, dresses, and sister dresses. I even made mother and daughter dresses so the three of us looked alike. I also made an outfit for Brownie, our dog, which won him first prize in a contest. Spurred on by that accomplishment, I wanted to go on with possibly a doggie pattern I could market and become an entrepreneur in the doggie fashion world. But Brownie refused to sit for anymore measurements and fittings, so I gave up on that idea. My husband wisely refused to play a part in any of this. Just so long as I put food on the table and he didn’t have to wear anything I made, he was quite happy.

I don’t know what I watched on TV while I worked, but it was probably many soap operas. I liked something with a story and stayed away from game shows – they made you work too hard thinking, and I just wasn’t up to that while I was sewing . . . or any time for that matter. I still don’t watch game shows and have given up the soaps, but I know they’re there if I need them.

I sewed for many years, but when the girls started junior high school it all stopped. Teri made friends with girls who got to pick out their own clothes in department stores, and who weren’t fortunate enough to have mothers who devoted themselves to sewing for their children. That was very distressing to me, but Teri insisted she wanted to be like the other girls. I asked her if she would run naked through the halls if “her friends” did and she said she would. So I gave up on her. But when Cindy hit junior high I thought there still might be hope for more sewing, but that was during her “stalking” period. She was more or less dressing like the “stalkee,” a boy she professed to love but who wanted nothing to do with her. I can’t imagine why . . . maybe she came on a little too strong. I decided I couldn’t sew any clothes that looked like his, so I gave up. I knew I’d be lost with nothing to do to justify my staring at TV all day, so I decided to sew a dress for myself. But I put the front where the back should have been and the skirt came out upside down! I decided there was only one thing to do to keep me from doing housework all day . . . I would go to work. And that’s just what I did.

- - - Just another Saturday 9/16/06

My day started with a call from Cindy who was sitting on her deck and had just seen a man and woman walking down the street. The woman was ahead and the man behind her, carrying a plastic bag as dog walkers do when they walk their dogs. They were out of sight before Cindy could see if the man ever had anything to put in the bag.

Cindy told me she was upset because Lifetime was showing “A Woman Scorned: The Betty Broderick Story” but the first half only which is 2 hours. She wanted the whole 4 hours. Cindy watches it whenever it’s on and alerts Teri and me that it will be showing. She has it on tape, but still watches over and over again. This is the true story of Betty Broderick who was married to a prominent attorney in San Diego at one time and then was divorced by him. She didn’t want the divorce and eventually shot and killed her ex-husband and his new wife. Before she killed them, she was like a crazy woman, doing outrageous things such as driving her car into his house over and over again, leaving filthy messages on his answering machine for the kids to hear, breaking into his house and destroying things, and on and on. Meredith Baxter plays the lead and she is fantastic. She comes across as a real bitch who leaves nothing but wreckage and carnage in her path. It’s actually horrifying to watch, and yet I find it most entertaining! It’s really hard for me to imagine her as ever being Alex P. Keaton’s mother.

After I finished watching the first half of the Betty Broderick movie, I noticed the cover of the latest “Time” magazine which read: “Does God Want You To Be Rich?” That sounded exciting, but do you suppose that included me even though I am not knowledgeable in the religious field? It started with the story of a man who lost his job but was inspired by a Prosperity teacher – a preacher. This man went on to become a wealthy car salesman . . . every man’s dream. When Prosperity started back in 1959, it was among Pentecostals, stressing the power of positive thinking and emphasizing hard work and good home economics. But I think the main thrust was establishing that you were a true believer by your words and donations. If that happened, then God would respond with gifts of health and wealth in this life. So if you can’t afford to donate, you don’t get any wealth? If you can afford big donations, why would you need anymore money coming to you? And what’s the deal with the good home economics? I took Home Ec in high school – does that help? The entire article was very confusing to me which is not surprising since I know nothing about the subject matter. So I really doubt I have any wealth heading in my direction. But then I already knew that.

When my girls were growing up in the city, we had many dogs throughout the years. One of the special ones was a dachshund named Brownie. He was very lovable and fun to be around. I had a shawl on the couch that my mother had knit, and Brownie would wait until we were out of that room, jump up and drag the shawl onto the floor where he would make a little nest for himself. When we found out, we would take the shawl away from him, shake out the dog hairs and put it back on the couch. This went on day after day and no one seemed to mind that it never ended.

Brownie had a habit of eating the hamsters belonging to the little girl across the street. She would come over to our house, all excited, to show us her new pet she was carrying in a wire cage. Brownie would stand underneath the cage, waiting for one of the hamster’s appendages to stick through the wire. He would then grab it, pull it through the hole in the wire and eat it. That happened several times and the little girl never seemed to learn that it was a bad idea to come to our house with her hamsters. That same little girl always had a very runny nose. She would come over and stand on our front porch, pressing her face against our window and watch us while we ate dinner, waiting for Teri or Cindy to come out and play. Our front window was a mess! What with the little girl on the outside and our dogs on the inside, it was hard to see the outside world anymore.

When Teri was 8 years old, The Convenient Food Mart up the street had a contest. It was for the best-dressed dog entered by a boy and a girl. Two sting ray bikes would be presented – one to the winning boy and one to the winning girl. We were all very excited and I started right away making a costume for Brownie. I decided on a clown suit. I’ll never know how I did it, but I did – even the hat. The whole family went up and watched the contest. We were so excited and happy for Teri when she won the bike! Brownie was even excited because I think he came home and ate another hamster to celebrate! Teri is in the above picture with the owner of the store and Brownie . . . and the sting ray.

A Corkscrew Dilemma

I’m wondering if anyone else has trouble getting the cork out of a wine bottle. I didn’t used to have any problem, but now the corks are being made out of plastic . . . or maybe that’s just the corks in cheap wine which I usually buy as I can’t tell the difference between cheap or not cheap. When I drink it by myself, 1/3 of a glass will give me a headache which is not that much fun. But on a recent weekend, it was so hot and I was so bored that I decided the time was right for a 1/3 glass of wine . . . even with a headache. But I couldn’t get the damn cork out of the bottle!

My friends, Diane and Doyle, had given me a fancy new opener: Zyliss Swiss Innovation Cork Steward. I’m sure it cost much more than any bottle of wine I’ve ever had. But I couldn’t get it to work, so I used my old one which got stuck in the cork and just twisted the cork around and around in the bottle, not loosening it at all. So I went outside, looking for a man who was strong enough to pull the cork out. But I think everyone in my complex was away for the holiday and I could find no one. I finally gave up and decided to wait until the next day which was Sunday. I stuck the bottle in the fridge with the corkscrew sticking out of it. So Sunday afternoon I started in again on a new bottle with the new fancy opener but still couldn’t get it open. I was furious! Several months ago that happened to me, and I jumped in my car and drove to the exclusive little wine shop in my neighborhood with a bottle and a corkscrew stuck in the top. As I went in I yelled, “Can anyone help me open a bottle of wine?” The men were very accommodating and one pulled it out with brute strength. But this was Sunday, and I doubt they were open. And besides, they might recognize me.

So I went out looking for a man again. There was absolutely no one around except for one lone man at my bus stop. I was tempted to take the bottle to him, but figured the bus might come before he could get the cork out. So there I sat with two bottles of wine that I couldn’t open. About that time Diane called to see if I had had any luck, and as I was trying to sound calm, rather than hysterical which I was at the moment, I could hear Doyle screaming in the background, “I’m not going down there to open her wine!” I don’t know why he was being so difficult, but they do live clear across town which probably had something to do with his bad attitude. So we decided to have breakfast the next morning which we did. After breakfast Doyle pulled the cork out of the one bottle and used the new corkscrew they gave me on the other bottle and it worked perfectly. I must practice more.

So now I have two opened bottles of wine in my refrigerator which will probably take at least 3 weeks to drink. Does wine ever get old?

When Teri and Cindy were little, we lived in the city, but we had many different kinds of pets as we all loved animals. My husband was a football coach at a local high school, and his ball players all knew I loved animals. So one day, some of them appeared at our door with two box turtles they had swiped from our local zoo. I was thrilled and immediately brought into the house the girls’ little plastic pool and set it on our living room floor. Teri and Cindy would just have to make do with the garden hose from now on. I didn’t put any water in the pool as box turtles don’t live in water. When we had company, we would all gather around the pool and watch to see if the turtles would do something . . . anything! As I remember, we didn’t have much company.

One day I found an egg in their pool! I was extremely excited as I had no idea the turtles had ever had sex, and if they had, why couldn’t I have been there? I didn’t even know what sex they were – how do you tell with a turtle? Or maybe just any turtle can lay an egg. I called the director of our city zoo who was very knowledgeable. He told me to put the egg in a cup on soft paper and cover it with moist paper . . . or maybe it was to put the egg on moist paper with a cup over it and soft paper on top of the cup. I was so excited I couldn’t remember a thing he said, but the egg did end up in a cup with some paper on top of it. The egg sat there for days, weeks, months – it went on and on until one day I realized it just wasn’t meant to be. So the egg was out and we moved on to other things.

Those same football players also brought me a big bullfrog tadpole for one of the three fishponds my husband had built for me. I was thrilled again and watched him as he grew into a giant frog. I named him Freddy. He would get out at night and go hunting but always come back. Sometimes a neighbor kid would find him and come knocking on our door, holding the giant frog in his hands with the frog’s big legs dangling through his fingers. But one winter he froze, and when he floated to the surface of the pond the next spring, he was like a bowl of jelly. So I made another call to my friend at the zoo who told me there was no hope for Freddy. If Freddy looked like jelly, he was jelly.

I seem to have had some sad endings with pets, but they brought me a lot of joy in the time I had with them. I guess that’s just the way life works.

I recently flew to Los Angeles on the day the new security restrictions went into effect. I knew about it before I left for the airport as I had seen the news on both of my tv sets, so it had to be true! I put all the restricted items in my check-in bag and carried only prescription drugs in my purse. I did have a bottle of aspirin which they dumped when they rifled my purse.

I am not the run-of-the-mill passenger going through security. I have a pacemaker, so I can’t do what others do. They send me way to the side where someone pats me down manually since I can’t go through the security machine. Now when this happens, they always yell, “We need a woman over here,” while I say “I don’t care who does it.” Some day I’m going to scream, “I’D RATHER HAVE A MAN DO ME!” But they never listen to me, and some poor woman is dragged over to do the deed. So I stand there with my arms straight out from my sides while she pats me down. She’s apologizing all the time and announcing how she’ll use the back of her hand in the “private” places and also the breasts. What’s the deal with the back of the hand? If I have to have that done to me, I would rather have a man feel me up . . . doesn’t that make more sense? It could be sort of like speed dating where you meet for three minutes and then go on to the next. That way we could get a feel for each other . . . but I guess he’d be the only one getting the feel. It was just a thought, but I think the TSA or the FAA or even the FFA should consider instituting my program.

I usually fly to Burbank when I go to Los Angeles, and it’s never a problem at their airport. But I’ve had problems at LAX. One time they sent me way over to the side to an aisle that had many red signs saying not to enter, danger, and so on. They told me to walk through it, and as I did, a loud voice which you could hear all over the airport announced that someone was doing something bad and to stop immediately! Also there were whistles or bells ringing, and I was expecting to be shot at any minute. People came running over and told me it was a mistake, and it would never happen again. However, the next time I went through LAX, the same thing occurred. By this time it was no big deal to me, just part of the trip.

I have one more idea on how to make things better for everyone. The most emphasis should be put on the speed-dating concept, of course, but I think they should also consider having everyone arrive at airports naked. That way there would be no search required and everything would move a lot more quickly. But the day they start body cavity searches will be the day I take the bus.

Cindy has always loved animals and we had many in our home while she was growing up. In this picture, she’s with her pet rat and Sammy, one of our very special dogs. The
rat was not special as far as I was concerned. It turned out the rat gave me a rash, but the dermatologist couldn’t figure out what was causing the rash until I’d had many skin tests. So in the meantime, he prescribed a certain medication, and I gave myself a shot every day. I first practiced on a grapefruit, pretending I was giving a shot to someone on the verge of dying. I saved many imaginary lives while I learned. When I got the hang of it, I started on myself, using the actual medication, not water. I became quite proficient at it and even considered going back to school for a nursing degree.

When I was through with the needle each day, Cindy and Randy, the boy down the street, would take the needle and play doctor. They would shoot up a rubber doll with water and also operate on the doll, sewing up its incisions with black thread Cindy says they got from my sewing basket. Now if that happened these days, I would be arrested for contributing to the delinquency of small children, and my children would have been taken away from me. Who knows what would have happened to Randy, and I’m sure his mom would have been really pissed at me. But Cindy and Randy grew up just fine, and no one was ever arrested. But they never became doctors, so all that training was for naught.

My dermatologist finally discovered what caused the rash after I told him what happened when Cindy put the rat on my neck! So the rat went to live at a friend’s house. I don’t see that friend anymore.

When I realized I couldn’t heal the rubber doll the kids had “doctored” - it had turned black from all the water inside it - I gave up the idea of going to nursing school. I don’t think I was really cut out for it. I had much better luck with grapefruits.