I'm A Patsy - Gotta Problem With That?

Wednesday, October 22, 2014


I had a really crappy weekend - actually it was Sunday and Monday, but it was my weekend

Sunday I decided to leave my mother ship and go to Safeway to pick up my prescription I get every month. I have all my other prescriptions mailed to me, but they won't mail a controlled substance. How crazy is that? I think Columbian drug lords have no problem mailing drugs to us without someone picking it up at a pharmacy in person. Why shouldn't I be treated at least as well as the drug lords? Oh well, to get on with the story, I used the little metal walker my friend, Diane, let me use. It's lighter than my big one and I can lift it into the car, so I thought it would be good. It doesn't have rollers on the back, so it's harder to move on rough areas.  That was a problem for me, and just pushing it over the rough street was very tiring. The store wasn't very good either as it's a long way to the pharmacy, so I was pooped before I was through. I managed to get back to the car with someone carrying my sack of 3 purchases! I got home all right and then lay down the rest of the day.

So Monday I had a doctor appointment and I set out again with the little metal walker in the trunk of the car. I parked and took out the walker and started out over rough ground and during the rain. It took a long time to make it into the building and people offered to help, but there was nothing they could do. When I was entering the elevator to go upstairs, the walker got stuck in the space between the elevator and floor and I couldn't get it out. A man got it out for me and I finally made it upstairs. I then had a long walk to the office. When I finally got done, I repeated what I had done getting there and finally got the walker back in the trunk. I headed home and pulled into our underground garage. I got inside where people leave their walkers or whatever, and got my good one I had left there. But when I went to get on the elevator, there was a sign saying it was out of order! I had just ridden down on it about an hour ago  . . . how could that have happened? So I had to go out a door and get to the sidewalk and walk all the way around part of the building to get back to the front door. I was so pissed and tired that I just went up to my apartment and lay down like the day before. My phone rang and it was Connie from the desk downstairs telling me I had a package there and she had opened it. She thought it was for the them because it was from Home Depot where they get a lot
 of stuff. I said that was ok but not to use it - printer ink. She assured me she wouldn't. I'll have to remember to check it.

So this morning I dragged myself over to physical therapy and Kate said, "How was your weekend?" I wanted to scream that it was shitty and I was depressed, but I didn't as I thought there might be one of the religious people around who don't talk like I do. So I told her when the class was over and then she told me about all the fun stuff she had done with her friends. Kate is a great teacher and a good friend to me. I don't have to worry about how I talk around her. She works her tail off and I think she has helped me. She can't cure me but possibly may slow down the progression of my ailment.

The picture is of me. I'm crying about the awful weekend I just had. I look quite young, but that's the way I look when I cry. I'm hoping next weekend is better.
   

Sunday, September 28, 2014




How many Heimlichs is one person allowed?

My girls and their husbands and boyfriend - just one daughter, Cindy, had a boyfriend and isn't married - were in town to visit me and see how I'm getting along at the mother ship. It was wonderful to have them here as I don't get to see them that often. I showed them around the facilities and they decided I was in good hands.  They then went shopping and came back and showed me their purchases. I remember when I had an operation, they came to town to make sure the hospital was treating me right.  So while I languished in the hospital, they went shopping then too. I think there's something about my being out of commission that sets them off on a shopping frenzy! I really think it's the fact we have no sales tax which they have in Washington and New York.

Cindy and boyfriend went home Saturday, but Teri and husband stayed on. Teri left around 9pm Sunday, so she and Mark(husband) and Rita and Steve(good friends of everyone) took me out to dinner early Sunday evening. I ordered a steak which I don't buy for myself as I can't afford it which is a sad circumstance. Anyway, it was very rare which I love. I knew I should take small bites, but I must have been like a tiger eating rare meat as I expect they like it rare . . . they can't cook. But one bite stuck in my throat and I couldn't breathe. Teri asked me if I needed help and I nodded since I couldn't talk. Immediately the servers there jumped into action and two of them worked on me with the Heimlich maneuver. At first a woman tried and then a young man finished it off. My throat felt funny afterward and my ribs were really sore, but I was alive! My ribs were sore for about a week, and apparently you should go to the hospital right away after going through that for an X-ray looking for broken ribs. I didn't know that but I should have realized that was the right thing to do. This wasn't the first time I had done this. It happened when I was alone and  some meat stuck in my throat. I thought I was going to die. I was all alone and couldn't breathe. But I jumped up from the table and ran to the kitchen sink and bent over the sink and dislodged the meat. It popped out right away. I told some guys in an ambulance several days later when they were on a break. They were impressed with my prowess but didn't offer me a job. I was disappointed.

So Mark took Teri to the airport and then came back to check on me. Teri called Cindy from airport and told her she had drunk some vodka, taken a sleeping pill and then entered the plane. I assume she had a good flight back to New York. 
I think I have had my share of going through the Heimlich maneuver. I went back to the restaurant and hugged the server who saved me. This time I ordered mashed potatoes and a glass of wine. How much trouble can I have with that on my menu?

Sunday, September 14, 2014


Fun time at the liquor store  

I hadn't been out of the mother ship (my retirement home) for a while, so decided to take the car for a spin to the liquor store. Why the liquor store? I don't know why. I do know where it is which was a plus. It's a small store which I like with drive-in parking right in front. What more could I ask for? No crowds and no crowded aisles which would be good for me to navigate with a cane. And also there would be no cars parking in front for hours as they do when shopping for shoes, underwear, lipstick, etc. at other stores - no one stays too long in a liquor store unless they're robbing it.

So I parked, grabbed my cane and stepped up on the curb without falling on my face. But as I staggered to the door, I heard a voice asking if she could help me. A woman came up and I felt like hugging her! We made it into the store and it turned out she worked there. She asked what I wanted and I said vodka. She asked what kind and started at the bottom of the vodka aisle until she said Hood River vodka which I took. I figured since I'm from Hood River and my dad raised apple and pears I was being patriotic in a way by supporting my roots. And I also bought a bottle of brandy. Mark, Teri's husband, gave me some when I was visiting them and it was late and I was ready for bed. After I drank the brandy I went to sleep immediately!
I guess that's what it's good for because I don't know why you'd drink if otherwise. It really tastes like shit!

So now I had my two bottles of booze but I knew I couldn't manage getting them to the car as they were too heavy. So I asked if someone could help me and a big guy who worked there carried them out for me. I told him I wasn't drunk even though I looked like it. He just smiled at me. I didn't think I should take up his time by telling him I had Ataxia which makes you walk like a drunken sailor. 

That was the day out for me which I spent in a liquor store. Not bad! I may just do the same thing on my next day out. I got a good vibe from that store and the people were very accommodating. How better to spend a lazy afternoon?

Tuesday, August 19, 2014



What's up with all the dating services?

There are so many dating services out there these days that it's hard to keep track of them . . . but who would want to? I get ads on my computer every day which I just delete immediately. There are ads for young people, ads for religious people, ads that promise to set you up with someone of your age group with like interests -- I guess that means old people.

There is also speed dating which I think is a riot! I can't imagine a group of people participating in that where they all take part at the same time and go from one person to the next in about 5 minutes. It must work something like this:

(Millennials looking for dates)

Shirley: Hi, I'm Shirley.
Jerry:    Hi, I'm Jerry and you are surely pretty, Shirley.
Shirley:  I don't think you're funny.
Jerry:     And I surely don't really think you're pretty, Shirley.
Shirley:  So why don't you just f***  off, Jerry!
                              
                           B U  Z Z E R !!!

(Religious people looking for good people and dates)

George: Hi, I'm George
Sarah:     Hi, I'm Sarah and I go to church every Sunday and twice during the week.
George:  Why do you do that, Sarah?
Sarah:    Because I need to confess. I'm married and sleeping with my mailman.
George:  I'm a UPS man and faster than a mailman.
Sarah:    Sounds good to me - You're on!

                          B U Z Z E R !!!

(Old people looking for . . . they can't remember just what it is)

Larry:    Hi, I'm Larry.
Sally:    Hi, I'm Sally. What are doing here?
Larry:    I don't know.
Sally:    Where do you live?
Larry:    uhhh . . . .
Sally:    Do you want to take me home?
Larry:    I think I just peed my pants.

                        B U Z Z E R !!!

I think in this instance the religious people had the most promise. More will begin attending church, and the women will be looking for UPS men - possibly some of the men also.











Monday, August 11, 2014



Laundry day is not what it used to be!

I used to like doing my laundry. I'd step into the little room right off my kitchen and toss in my clothes whenever I wanted. I could wash clothes at 6am or midnight - whatever suited me. Now I don't even have a washer or dryer in my apartment at my new home. I miss a lot of things from my old life, but I never thought I'd miss doing laundry this much.

Now I walk down a hall, carrying my dirty clothes and enter the laundry room, hoping no one else is there. There are two washers and dryers but sometimes they're all busy. When that happens, I have to lug my dirty clothes back to my room where I throw myself on the sofa and burst into tears! But in a little while I pull myself together, stop longing for the old days and trudge back to the laundry room. This time it's empty, so I wipe away all my tears and get to work. I get all the clothes in the washer, add the soap and then head back to my room. I check along the way to make sure I didn't drop any dirty panties on my way there. I would probably be kicked out if anyone found out. So now I have to wait in my room until the washing is done. Then I go back to the laundry room and put the clothes in a dryer. The washing machines are so deep I can hardly reach the little things like socks when I empty it. Do you suppose my arms are shrinking? So I drag all the wet clothes out and take them to one of the dryers. The dryers are huge, and when I get the clothes out after they're dry I almost climb inside to get the things stuck to the back! I'm afraid one day someone will come in to wash clothes and see a couple of skinny little legs sticking out of the dryer! That will be me, so please drag me out. So while the clothes are drying, I again wait in my room. I finally go back and bring my dry clothes back to my room. This whole process takes at least two hours of my valuable time. But then I also have to put all the clean clothes back in their proper places. I could have been doing something fun all that time like maybe having an affair, finishing "Fifty Shades of Grey" or almost anything other than laundry. 

This picture is of one of my socks stuck in the back of the dryer. I stand there a few minutes, hoping my telepathic skills will force it to move to the front of the dryer. Guess my skills are rusty as the sock never moves. So I finally give up and crawl in and drag it out. Doing laundry is not one of  my favorite household chores anymore.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014


What's happening to our weather?

This year has been a strange one. It's barely summer and we have had hot weather for days on end. And yet other places in the country are having tornadoes killing people, flooding, thunder and lightning storms, crops dying because of no rain and occurrences that don't usually happen all at once as they have been this year. It all seems like a bad tv disaster movie. I don't even see any sunlight outside as I keep my blinds closed all the time since I face the sun. I don't see any birds here which I miss a lot, especially my little Larry I used to feed at my condo. I do like crows and I hear them here. One sounds really close so maybe he's watching me through the closed blinds! Maybe he's hoping I'll fall out my window and he can then fly down and peck at me to see if he's strong enough to carry me away.

This morning I decided to get on with things even though it was going to be the hottest day ever here. I went to my physical therapy class with Kate, the instructor. Kate is so healthy, slim, athletic, cute and knows how to make you work. I wonder if she thinks I'm a lost cause as I can't do even the simple things. Even though I'm a simple person, it doesn't help. Maybe I'm just too simple. I did see
some improvement in one of the exercises we did today, so maybe this is helping me. If it weren't for Kate, I'd probably be flat on my back watching "The Young and The Restless" during that time period. 

I became so bored last week, I was forced to watch a few episodes of "Snapped," the tv show depicting women who either murder their husbands or are murdered by them. One woman had postpartum depression and could barely get out of bed in the morning. When she could, she'd do a few chores and then get back in bed. The story of my life! However, she killed her husband. So even though the story has some similarities to my life, I don't have postpartum depression and didn't kill my husband.  I had no company that week, so I had to entertain myself which got a little old. My little monkey also had no company and had to play with himself. Dull days!

As you can see from this picture, my little monkey finally took things into his own hands and is once again his happy little self. I am also feeling pretty good, but I think the monkey is happier.

Tuesday, June 24, 2014


The Best Blog Ever!



The other day my friend, Diane, took me to lunch to celebrate my birthday. This was against my wishes because I've had too many birthdays already. But the thought of a free lunch did me in so I went along with it. She gave me a card that just cracked up! I laughed hysterically which I don't do every day. So the card above in this blog is the one she gave me.

It was a perfect card for me as that could be me sitting on the chair and reading what it says. That could me reading my life! I do all those things every day. I don't bark as much as I used to now that I am living among more civilized people. I do poop every day, but if I don't, I get panicky and do something about it. Once I went too far and that was not something one would write about! I tried to tell Teri about it, but she left the room while I was talking, but Cindy was with me through the entire incident. But the whole thing is me. I couldn't get over it and burst into laughter every time I read it.

So I hope the dog blog keeps it up.