“America Wants You!”


Tommy, Billy and Fred were all prepared to join the armed forces. The local recruitment office had sent its representatives to the boys’ elementary school the day before. It was getting to be quite a problem finding new recruits. No one seemed too eager to go to a foreign country where they would force people to embrace democracy and most likely be killed for their efforts. But the recruiters had brought popsicles to the school, and since it was a hot day and the boys were thirsty, they decided the guys were really nice and may have good ideas.

They were a little uncertain about the whole WMD thing. What were WMDs, and would they know one when they found it? And were there actually any over there? Everyone wondered the same thing. And why did George Bush keep worrying about “nucular” problems in other countries? The boys didn’t know what “nucular” meant . . . and neither did we. And what did “Axis of Evil” mean? The recruiters couldn’t answer any of those questions. I imagine the only person who could was George Bush, and he was at his Texas ranch clearing brush and riding his dirt bike at the time and couldn’t be reached.

It would have been helpful if they could have attended one of the many appearances made by our president throughout the country – maybe they could have learned more about his reasons for going to war. But since his appearances were by invitation only and just his party members were allowed access, the boys would probably have been roughed up a bit if they had tried very hard to get in.

So here they are, all ready to go bring democracy to everyone around the world – whether they want it or not. They’re practicing their salutes. They really do need more practice.

Newspaper articles of interest:


“The Oregonian” - 6/8/06

Researchers have discovered a case of island dwarfism which happens when big species shrink over time when they find themselves on an island. Dinosaur and elephant fossils have been found supporting this discovery. Could this affect humans and could it mean people in Hawaii are shrinking . . . and would they be aware of it?





“The Oregonian” - 5/18/06

Headline over an article stated: “Humans, chimps may have swung together twice.”
The article goes on to suggest that after studying DNA from chimps, gorillas and humans, there is possible evidence of interspecies sex. This is from MIT and Harvard. “Interspecies sex” sounds like something out of a really, really bad porn movie. The article states we were “mixing it up” with the chimps until possibly 5 or 6 million years ago.

Does this mean that now when we shake our family tree, a chimp might fall out?

“Teri and Cindy wait for the instant replay.”


Teri and Cindy were brought up on television – I taught them well. They spent hours in their little rocking chairs watching “Lassie” and “Mr. Ed” and whatever else was suitable for children. Cindy always liked wearing a dress over her long corduroy pants. We thought it a little strange, but that was Cindy. What we didn’t know was in a few years that would be the latest fashion – dresses over jeans. Cindy wasn’t strange, she was ahead of her time.

They both look a little glum in this picture. Lassie probably fell into a well again, or maybe it was Timmy who fell . . . no one really gave a shit. It was so refreshing when years later “The Sopranos” appeared on television. Now everyone could finally relax and enjoy some stress-free entertainment.

Yesterday while I was watching the “Today” show, a man was interviewed concerning his many attempts to cancel his AOL service. I had the same experience recently, but with a few variations. I first called one of their many numbers and talked to what I like to call a non-person – automation. This voice had me verify my name and address and then asked for my security code which was a favorite movie. If I ever named a favorite movie, it was around 10 years ago and I have no memory of that anymore. I have trouble remembering what I did a week ago. So I answered “none” to which the non-person replied that that was not the right answer. So then I was asked for the last 4 digits of my credit card by which I paid for their services. The non-person then said she was sorry, but that wasn’t right! I was then transferred to a live person where we repeated the entire procedure again with the same outcome.

This went on for 5 more calls to various AOL numbers, always with the same outcome. I got to the point where I was nearly hysterical and would shriek that I hated movies and that they had been taking my money on that credit card for years, so why couldn’t I now cancel? But that was not to be. So I canceled my credit card and got a new one with a new number. I figured that now when they went to charge me, they would have a problem. I could see them calling me to ask why they couldn’t bill me, and I would say “WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE!!!!

But I still wasn’t satisfied, so I called my credit card company and found that my bank had merged with another bank several years ago, and I had been issued a new number. That was what was causing the problem. Apparently when something like that occurs, all bills are just transferred to the new number. So I called AOL again and went through the entire process with the non-person and then onto the live person. I passed all the tests except for the movie, but I did get the last 4 digits of my old card correct. So I was on my way except for the fact that I couldn’t get a cancellation number until after I’d listened to all their promotional jargon. After about 15 minutes, I practically begged for my cancellation number which they gave.

I am now waiting to see if I get a call if they’re unable to bill me for one final time on my new credit card number which they don’t have. I’ll be ready for them!

“Another bar mitzvah? We need a new manager.”


Before I was born, my mom and dad lived about a half mile from each other. Both families were orchardists as were all the surrounding relatives. So when my parents married, they were related to nearly everyone in the valley. Before I was born, some of them formed a band in which my dad and his brothers and cousins played. The reason I know this is because I found this picture in an old album belonging to my parents. I recognized my dad and some of his brothers. I don’t know everyone, but I’m sure we’re all related.

Since there was no one left who could fill in the blanks for me, I was left with many questions. Did they get many gigs? Did they go on the road in an old run-down bus? Did they have many groupies? Were they into hip hop? Were there any alcohol or drug problems? Did they trash their hotel rooms while they were on the road? I know they would have been a big hit at Woodstock, but the girls probably would have refused to sleep in the mud with a bunch of people doing strange things, so they would have missed that event. I’ll never know the answers to all my questions, but it’s fun thinking about it.

I hope they eventually found a place to practice that would get them out of that forest. The winters there could be pretty cold and wet which would rust the instruments even as they played. Not a good thing.

“It’s so cool being the prettier sister.”


Teri and Cindy were four years apart in age and very competitive. Cindy, the younger one, wanted to be just like Teri and they argued about who was smarter, prettier, funnier and which one I loved the most. All this was quite stressful for me, and it was during that period I discovered wine and its calming effects - - unless you drank too much and blacked out. That was too calm.

As they grew older, they became very close but still argued about which one I loved the most. By then I just ignored them and didn’t even do the wine thing. That never really worked anyway. When Cindy saw this picture, she was thrilled as she was looking relaxed and pretty while Teri slaved over a hot stove. Cindy wrote the text on this one obviously.

My name is Patsy and I live in Portland, Oregon. I have two daughters, Teri and Cindy, who are with me in the above picture. I will be posting photos and writing stories about my entire family. Occasionally I may include comments on articles I’ve read that I find interesting. . . if I find any.

A few years ago, I decided to do something I had always wanted to do. Make my own greeting cards. I’ve always loved cards – the crazy ones as opposed to the sentimental kind that could make a person cry. My daughters, Teri and Cindy, thought it was a great idea – anything to keep me happy and out of bars or the local Wal Mart. That was no problem as I didn’t fit the profile of the typical Wal Mart customer – I didn’t weigh enough. Thankfully, bars don’t have the same customer profile..

Cindy came up with the name for my cards – “I’m A Patsy – Gotta Problem With That?” after we had discussed it over wine which helped the creative process. I used family photos on the front of the cards, and Teri and Cindy helped with the written text inside.

It was a long process, but I finally had enough cards to sell to stores. Teri was living in Manhattan at that time, and somehow landed me an appointment with a card shop in the World Trade Center. I was thrilled! I went to New York and we showed up at the store with my album of samples. They loved them and gave me an order. I felt like Sally Field at the Oscars!

As everyone knows, that didn’t turn out too well, and things didn’t get any better here in Portland. I realized I couldn’t compete with the large companies, so I was forced to give up my dream. But I became bored and missed the creative process I had enjoyed with the cards. I couldn’t see getting involved in committee work because, let’s face it, any committee is boring. I wouldn’t go back to college as I had already done that, and the stand-out memory of my experience there was going to my morning shorthand class wearing a raincoat over my pajamas -- and chewing gum. My teacher didn’t object to the pajamas, but the gum definitely had to go. I figured I was a little too mature to do that again, so Teri mentioned a Blog and thought that might be an idea for me. I could post the cards and also write a little story about each of them. That sounded like fun to me and I wouldn’t have to do any committee work for it. I could sit on my couch, watch old re-runs of “Law and Order” and be creative as hell. What a wonderful world!