I recently flew to Los Angeles on the day the new security restrictions went into effect. I knew about it before I left for the airport as I had seen the news on both of my tv sets, so it had to be true! I put all the restricted items in my check-in bag and carried only prescription drugs in my purse. I did have a bottle of aspirin which they dumped when they rifled my purse.

I am not the run-of-the-mill passenger going through security. I have a pacemaker, so I can’t do what others do. They send me way to the side where someone pats me down manually since I can’t go through the security machine. Now when this happens, they always yell, “We need a woman over here,” while I say “I don’t care who does it.” Some day I’m going to scream, “I’D RATHER HAVE A MAN DO ME!” But they never listen to me, and some poor woman is dragged over to do the deed. So I stand there with my arms straight out from my sides while she pats me down. She’s apologizing all the time and announcing how she’ll use the back of her hand in the “private” places and also the breasts. What’s the deal with the back of the hand? If I have to have that done to me, I would rather have a man feel me up . . . doesn’t that make more sense? It could be sort of like speed dating where you meet for three minutes and then go on to the next. That way we could get a feel for each other . . . but I guess he’d be the only one getting the feel. It was just a thought, but I think the TSA or the FAA or even the FFA should consider instituting my program.

I usually fly to Burbank when I go to Los Angeles, and it’s never a problem at their airport. But I’ve had problems at LAX. One time they sent me way over to the side to an aisle that had many red signs saying not to enter, danger, and so on. They told me to walk through it, and as I did, a loud voice which you could hear all over the airport announced that someone was doing something bad and to stop immediately! Also there were whistles or bells ringing, and I was expecting to be shot at any minute. People came running over and told me it was a mistake, and it would never happen again. However, the next time I went through LAX, the same thing occurred. By this time it was no big deal to me, just part of the trip.

I have one more idea on how to make things better for everyone. The most emphasis should be put on the speed-dating concept, of course, but I think they should also consider having everyone arrive at airports naked. That way there would be no search required and everything would move a lot more quickly. But the day they start body cavity searches will be the day I take the bus.