The Big Explosion

I'm usually pretty regular with my bathroom matters every morning, but last week I went off the beaten path. I felt like I had more to accomplish, but I never wanted to strain myself as I was afraid I might get an aneurysm due to the extra, prolonged straining. My mother told me that years ago, and that seems to be one of the only pieces of advice she gave me. There must have been more. She must have given me advice on what to do on my wedding night, but I think she forgot to include the vodka. My mom didn't drink.

So my problem went on for several days until I finally decided it was time for the milk of magnesia which no one should ever be without. I drank some before I went to bed and got up expecting to have everything cleared up. But I still couldn't do the deed. I waited forever and ever, trying to avoid an aneurysm. Finally, it happened! It felt as if I had expelled a large baseball, and I heard a big BOOM!! It was like an explosion! I was so happy - more so than after my wedding night.

I was feeling pretty good then, so I went to the kitchen to do some stupid housework. I noticed my salt shaker that I rarely use but have it right by the stove. I saw two tiny, little black things in the salt, and upon closer investigation, I found that they were little sugar ants! They must have crawled up the side of the shaker and into the holes. I got them out and hope that more don't come. I have those ants all over periodically. I even found one crawling on my collar the other day! Sometimes I see them crawling on the floor when I'm on the toilet, and I bend way over to get them. Some day I'll fall on my head probably. I can imagine them crawling into my nose and ears and even my mouth when I'm asleep. I don't know if my mouth hangs open when I sleep - and do I drool? That wouldn't be a pretty sight. I put out ant stuff that is supposed to make them come and eat and then take it home to their loved ones to eat and they'll all die. Well, it works in that it makes them come in hoards and eat, but they never leave or die. I don't know what my mom would say about that, but I know it wouldn't include vodka.

I guess that's all the news from my house today. It's obvious I lead a pretty exciting life!