My brother visited me the other day and brought me a book. The title of this book is “WHITE TRASH ETIQUETTE, The Definitive Guide To Upscale Trailer Park Manners.” The author is Dr. Verne Edstrom, ESQ. who graduated in just eleven years from the White Trash Studies program at the University of Wisconsin in Green Bay. In real life, as I like to say, he is Pete Kotz and lives in Cleveland where he edits the “Cleveland Scene,” one of the Midwest’s best alternative weeklies. Whoever he is, the book is hilarious. I don’t think my brother gave it to me because he thought I needed a little help in the etiquette department, although that could be the case. I think he is just as crazy as I and knew I would love it.

There are many chapters covering any situation you could imagine. A few are: “I’m getting married; can I still wear white if I’m a tramp?” “Can chicks ever really respect an accountant?” “How do I pick a good bail bondsman?” “How can I get my 14-year old cousin unpregnant?”

One chapter is “The Ten Hottest White Trash Career Opportunities,” with the downside and upside of each one listed, one of which was a Crack Whore. The upside for a Crack Whore was you get to travel to exotic places like the bus station, while the downside was company headquarters was in the men’s room of a Phillips 66. And there’s no pay. Another was Bar Hag with the upside being you sit at the bar, sweet-talk toothless guys who couldn’t buy a decent woman with profit sharing check, and be ugly. Downside was shifts last from 6am to 2am with nothing but cocktail wieners from happy hour. Another one was the Congressman whose job is essentially the same as a bar hag: sit around, blab and mooch stuff.

There’s a chapter on picking the right business to rob for a hostage situation. You never want to go into a yuppie neighborhood. The author’s friend once robbed a Starbuck’s by mistake. There was no liquor there and the hostages just wanted to have a book discussion. After listening to them reading Maya Angelou for a while, his friend had to surrender as he just couldn’t stand it.

Dr. Edstrom writes that sports is the religion of White Trash. He lists many sports, and one is baseball – the most drunk-friendly game. He says: “Since nothing ever happens, you can get hammered, fall out of the bleachers, crack your melon open, go to the emergency room, get twenty-three stitches, bar hop your way back to the stadium and not miss a batter.”

The author has a chapter on different models of cars for White Trash. The station wagon is the most underrated vehicle for several reasons, one of which is that they’ll score you sympathy points. For example: say a cop sees a sport utility vehicle swerving, he usually says, “That man is compensating for a very small penis and is probably snorting coke. Let’s pull him over, Mel.” But when that cop sees a swerving station wagon, he says, “Poor schmuck. His wife probably jacked him in the divorce and all he can afford is a goddamned station wagon. Whattaya say we let this one go, Mel?”

Dr. Edstrom ends with the White Trash Ten Commandments. I’ll list just a few of them:
1. “You shall have no other Gods before me—except for cable TV.” 4. “Remember the Sabbath day, keep it holy. If God wanted you to work, He would have made football on Tuesdays. Any moron knows that.” 7. “You shall not commit adultery at the same motel where your sister-in-law works.” 8. “You shall not steal. (Only applies in Utah and France.)

There is so much more information in this book that I was considering taking it to our family Christmas gathering and have each one of us read a chapter aloud. I know they would love the book as do I, but I don’t think that will happen.