Short news clips that fit my twisted sense of humor

First off, there’s one on the Gawker website about an Oregon postal worker who was caught by an apparent neighborhood shit watch guy who found him taking a shit behind some trash cans in the neighborhood. Now why was this guy out with his cameras behind the trash cans where he was taking pictures? Is he some sort of vigilante? This postal person probably was not near a portable toilet and thought he was out of sight. But not from the shit patrol evidently! Gawker says now he is suspended without pay. So Gawker tells the vigilante to get over it – after all, it’s Oregon and we’re into sustainable mulching and all that.

And then there’s a notice in “The Oregonian” about Virginia Thomas whom we all know as the wife of the lovable Clarence Thomas, Supreme Court Justice. Seems she’s going to be a special correspondent for The Daily Caller, a conservative (of course) website, and the publisher of that website says she’ll be interviewing key political and community leaders from high-profile politicians to those who aren’t. I wrote about the both of them before and how they pulled a fast one on tax issues. Those two are sneaky people and Virginia is actually a little crazy besides being just a plain bitch. They deserve each other.

Another funny story is of the man who was caught by a Phoenix police dog and bit the dog back, injuring it. Now the man is suing the cities of Phoenix and Glendale and four officers. He’ll probably sue the dog once the dog recovers from his wounds.

This story isn’t that funny; it’s very weird. In a wedding in the southeastern province of Gaziantep in Turkey, the groom was apparently so excited during the celebration that he opened fire with an automatic weapon into the air. But he accidentally killed his father and two aunts and injured eight other relatives. He apparently lost control of the gun and aimed at guests. But he was arrested before he killed the bride. My advice would be to not schedule a wedding in Turkey.

And then there was a good article in “Time” magazine about the benefits of booze. Seems that moderate drinkers have the lowest mortality rates. Moderate drinking is one to three drinks per day. Moderate drinking is thought to improve heart health, circulation and sociability but should not be carried too far. It can affect your memory, your balance, affect your driving – there are so many reasons not to drink too much. But a little every day is pretty good for you. At least that’s what I think as I get ready for my daily wine.

Teri and Cindy in Mama’s television class

I didn’t actually have a class for them when they were little. They just learned by observing me as I watched a lot of TV. I had good control of the class and didn’t let them stay up past 8pm as that is when the “big people” shows came on. They watched “Mr. Ed,” “Lassie,” “My Three Sons” and that type of show which I also watched. Then it was off to bed for the little ones. But now I’m showing how I’d conduct a class for them these days.

Teri is excited and happy which you can tell by her big smile in the picture. Cindy is sort of “I can take it or leave it” and goes along with the whole thing. We need to start with some news, so I pick Shepard Smith whom I like when he doesn’t go too conservative and far right for me. That’s not being fair and balanced, is it? So I turn him off when he does that, and then go back for the second half where he gives news about car crashes, murders, floods and can be humorous at times. I like that.

After that we watch “Entertainment Tonight” so they can be up on all the entertainment news. I don’t watch Reality shows – I like a program with a story, so we’ll probably watch “Law & Order,” “Raising Hope” which is a very funny show, “Glee” which is great but a little risqué for kids their age, but I like it so we watch it. I am the boss. Also, we watch “The Good Wife,” which I especially like. I think it will give my daughters something to think about when they reach that age. Teri still looks happy so guess she likes it too. Of course we watch many others and Teri seems to like them all. Cindy just sits there and it’s hard to tell which ones she likes best. She may need more lessons as she gets older. She had to go poop during “Law & Order” but after I cleaned her up she was her same old self . . . contented but not too engaged with what was going on.

They don’t watch the late night shows. I don’t even do that. I do DVR David Letterman sometimes and Craig Ferguson who is a crazy guy and very smart. I never watch Jay Leno – I still haven’t gotten over what happened a while back with him and Conan. I DVR “Saturday Night Live” but that’s for me. I think I could be a good teacher for little kids because my girls love television. Cindy now watches a lot of TV and is much more animated than she was in the old picture. And now she can pause the program when she has to go poop and not miss a thing. So many improvements since I started my first class with them.

DAMAGES and BOB’S BURGERS

This morning I went to the dentist and spent a bunch of money to have them tell me my teeth are fine which I already knew. It’s just something I do every so often. When I came home, I called my handy man who came over and looked at each of my toilets. He will be back before the end of the month to check on them and also fix a leaky faucet in my bathroom sink. Teri’s coming pretty soon and I want everything fixed by then. I don’t want to have to tell her to turn the faucet just half-way off so it won’t leak and to click the toilet handle each time you go. There shouldn’t be all those directions involved with washing your hands or using the toilet.

After that was done, I called Comcast, my cable and internet provider. I wanted an explanation as to why “Damages” would no longer be shown on Comcast. How did that happen? He said something about a sweetheart deal Sony gave Direct TV to run “Damages” which cuts everyone without Direct TV out of the picture. That stinks!! I have watched that show from the beginning on FX. I love the FX channel. I don’t watch a lot of it, but some of the shows are great like “Justified” and “Terriers” which they cancelled. Why did they do that? Also, my all-time favorite “Rescue Me” is coming back which excites me. I used to blog about it and put in nearly every line anyone said during the show. I finally quit doing that much to everyone’s relief. I also liked “Lights Out,” but since Light’s lights were actually punched out, there would be no reason to carry on with him saying and doing goofy things. That was a good way to let people know boxing is bad for your health . . . although I think everyone already knows that.

So when I was through with Comcast, I watched “Bob’s Burgers” by Fox which I had DVRd last night while I was watching “The Killing.” “Bob’s” was just as crazy as always! He was making little burgers that were special, and the kids were all helping by playing music (the triangle) and slow dancing by Tina. I’m liking Bob’s wife more and more. Her voice is so funny and loud . . . but then they all are that way. I hope I don’t read in the paper that “Bob’s Burgers” is going the way of “Damages.” That would really piss me off!

Cindy’s having a birthday today!

My little baby is growing up. She should be having two sons in their twenties! When I look back at her baby pictures, I remember all the times I rocked her and sang the songs to her that I sang to Teri when she was little. I loved those songs - “You are my Sunshine,” and “Bye Bye Blackbird.” There were others, but I don’t need to go into all of them. Cindy was a squirelly little kid and so happy and funny all the time. She loved playing dress up and used all of my old clothes, even from when I was in high school. She enlisted the neighbor kids to play with her – especially Randy, whom we called the doctor.

She weathered several operations and things were never easy for her, but her spirit kept her going. Last summer she opened “Brownie Morrison” – a fun store with refrigerator magnets, cards, mannequins, etc. in Tacoma. But she closed it in December and has now moved to a new location in Tacoma which will be better for her. Her store is absolutely crazy as the other one was. This one is in a mall with foot traffic all around which she didn’t have at her other shop. She carries refrigerator magnets, cards and many other types of novelties. My fridge is covered with her magnets.

When we talk on the phone, I always end up laughing at something she’s said. She can lift my spirits no matter what, even if she isn’t trying. I don’t know what I would do without her or her sister, Teri. Just looking at the above picture makes me wish I could go back and just squeeze her. Why do I get sad when I look at pictures of my kids when they were little? It’s probably because when they are young they are always with you. When they grow up, they aren’t. And I really miss them. I talked to Cindy this morning and she was deciding on whether or not to take a shower. Pat, her eldest son, was off work for the day and was watching the “Law&Order” marathon on television. I said he’s a real chip off the old block – me. So we were laughing about that, and I was thinking . . . all’s right with the world.

I love you, Cindy, forever and ever.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!